people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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