Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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