You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
