you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Success! We fucked roommates!
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
