did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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