and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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