Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
