I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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