just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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