No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
