I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
How does it feel to date your dad?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
