my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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