I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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