Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
