I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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