Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
