If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Randomize
