youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
whose parrot is this?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
