it's too hot outside to masturbate.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
