when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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