Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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