I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
