My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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