Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
