ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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