Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
