im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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