I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Randomize
