He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
My ATM looks so different sober.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
