I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
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