I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
