one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
