dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
