I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
