I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
