Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
