She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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