We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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