if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
