I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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