You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
