Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Randomize
