happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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