i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
