Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
