I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
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