I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
