She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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