I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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