Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
