hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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