Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Randomize
