I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
