There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I touched a dick in church today
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize