consequently i now know what mace tastes like
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I need moral support for this bender
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Randomize
