watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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