I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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