He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
