omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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