I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
