I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
